


you tear me down and make me feel like I'm worth nothin'

by ivyalexandrias



Series: i know i can't handle anything without losing my mind [1]
Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: (for now) - Freeform, (just a little bit! i mean it's lyf.), Anger, Angst, Character Death, Drinking, Emotional Constipation, First Kiss, Fluff, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I PROMISE MARIUS WILL BE HAPPY EVENTUALLY, Implied Dissociation, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, It/Its Pronouns for The Toy Soldier (The Mechanisms), JUST LET HIM BE ANGRY AND DEPRSSED FOR A BIT.., KHSDBJ anyways im so sorry! not really but. still., Love Confessions, M/M, Minor Violence, Other, Post-The Bifrost Incident, References to Depression, Reunions, angry marius rights, like a blink and you miss it kinda thing., lyf has a cat named sigyn!, marius crushes ivy's throat but shes fine, on both of their parts tbh, very very very subtly implied polymechs + lyf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:47:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27793306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivyalexandrias/pseuds/ivyalexandrias
Summary: He breaks away from Brian's grip, walking steadily towards Ivy and Raphaella. Ivy glances up, smiling at him, and she starts to say something, but it’s cut off by his hand curling around her neck. He savors the crunch of her windpipe beneath his fingers, blood staining the shiny metal, dripping onto her blouse. He hears Ashes swear from where they’re standing nearby, but no one makes any move to stop him.He lets Ivy’s body fall, her neck already starting to repair itself, knitting together. He turns to face Raph, and the pity and understanding in her eyes almost makes him sick again.“Fuckyou,”
Relationships: Lyfrassir Edda & Gunpowder Tim, Lyfrassir Edda & The Aurora (The Mechanisms), Lyfrassir Edda/Marius von Raum, The Aurora/Nastya Rasputina, implied polymechs (background)
Series: i know i can't handle anything without losing my mind [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045947
Comments: 191
Kudos: 166





	1. but the memories crawl

**Author's Note:**

> yeah 💙

When Marius wakes up on the Aurora, he is utterly alone. He can still feel his limbs stitching together, and it takes him a long moment to remember why they were disconnected in the first place. It comes back to him in disjointed flashes. Ivy holding him back as he screams out curses in twenty different languages, trying to fling himself towards… an airlock? Why would he be- _Lyf_. 

He sits straight up, ignoring the twinges of pain that shoot through his joints, arms and legs and hands, none of them fully connected yet, still recovering from what Ivy had done to keep him down. To keep him dead long enough to get them away from Midgard. He swings his legs out of bed, making his way over to the small window of the med bay on wobbly, unsteady legs.

He can't even see any sign of the Yggdrasil system. Just vast, empty space. There's the telltale hiss of a screen descending from the ceiling, and he glances over. 

_We left the Yggdrasil system approximately 3 weeks ago. Ivy did not allow you to resurrect until approximately 1 hour ago when she reunited your limbs._ Marius stares at the screen for what feels like forever. 

Then, he promptly turns around and throws up into a nearby trash can. His stomach is empty, so it's mostly bile and air, but he can't move from that spot for a good five minutes, gagging on empty air as his eyes water. He wishes he could say he's only crying because he threw up, but he knows that's not the case.

He hears footsteps behind him and jerks in surprise, but a second later there's a cool metal hand on his shoulder, and he relaxes. Brian doesn't say anything, just holds his hair back until he's finished. Eventually, he takes a shuddering breath, standing. Brian's hand migrates to his arm, keeping him steady, and Marius unashamedly leans into him. 

Brian, he trusts. Brian didn't take him apart and put him in trash bags instead of letting him save the person he loved. Brian would have understood. 

His relief only lasts so long, though, because he turns the corner, and sees the rest of the crew, sitting and laughing in the common room. Marius can't hold down the anger that unfurls in his chest. How _dare_ they? Even Ivy and Raphaella are there, acting like nothing is wrong, like they didn't leave Lyf there to _die_. 

He breaks away from Brian's grip, walking steadily towards Ivy and Raphaella. Ivy glances up, smiling at him, and she starts to say something, but it’s cut off by his hand curling around her neck. He savors the crunch of her windpipe beneath his fingers, blood staining the shiny metal, dripping onto her blouse. He hears Ashes swear from where they’re standing nearby, but no one makes any move to stop him. 

He lets Ivy’s body fall, her neck already starting to repair itself, knitting together. He turns to face Raph, and the pity and understanding’ in her eyes almost makes him sick again.

“ _Fuck_ you,” He snarls, trying to ignore the way his voice wavers. “You and Ivy both. You could have fucking saved them. You _knew_ what was going to happen, and you kept me in the fucking dark until the last fucking minute. And maybe, just fucking _maybe_ , if you’d trusted me with something for once in your useless fucking lives, I could’ve saved Lyf, instead of leaving them in that horrible fucking place to die alone, thinking that I left them behind.”

He hears Jonny make a questioning noise, and Raph turns to him as if Marius doesn’t even exist. Her voice is soft, completely unbothered.

“Lyfrassir was the inspector assigned to us for the last 8 years of our imprisonment. Marius grew rather attached to them near the end. He wanted to go back for them, in the end, but we didn’t let him. Ivy calculated that there was only an 18.7 percent chance they would both make it out alive, and that was too low.” Jonny scoffs, and Marius’ head snaps to him, gritting his teeth.

  
  
  
  


"The _inspector assigned to you three?_ You’re kidding, von Raum. Don't tell me you got some puppy crush on a _cop_." Jonny sneers at him, voice cruel and mocking. Just like that, Marius' anger melts away, dissipating like blood in water. It's replaced by a deadly sort of calm. Even the mate must notice, because he takes a minute step back.

"I loved them," Marius' voice is chilled, voice flat. "I loved them more than I _ever_ loved any of you assholes. And you fucking _left_ them. You left them there in that hellscape to fucking die, and you know what? You should've left me there too. So you know what? I’m fucking leaving. This is the last fucking straw. Fuck you, fuck the ship, fuck the Mechanisms. Find someone else to take my spot, if you fucking have to. I’m not coming back." Ivy, who had woken back up at that point, flinches back, and Marius' lip curls as Raph spreads her wings slightly, as if shielding her. He turns on his heel, stalking away.

"Marius…" Tim starts, following after him. Marius doesn't even look back as he grabs his gun from his holster, shooting him in the skull. His body slumps to the floor, and he ignores it as he heads towards the dock that holds the escape pods, the ones that they usually only use when someone wants to go down to a planet alone. Aurora doesn't try to stop him, but he hears the quiet hum of her engines as he hits a button, opening the hatch to the one closest to him.

Somewhere, in the back of his head, he feels bad for Aurora. He knows they were never as close as she was with Nastya, but the ship still cared for him, as much as she could care for anyone. He hesitates, just for a moment, pressing his flesh hand flat against the wall. There’s a soft pulse of heat where his skin makes contact with her, curling just below the surface. He stays there for a long moment, listening to the low, sad hum of her inner workings.

Then, he hears Ashes calling his name, and anger flares again. He steps back from the wall, stalking over to the small escape pod. He climbs inside, shutting the door just as Ashes rounds the corner. They say something, but it’s muffled by the walls of the ship, and the low rumble of the engine as he hits a couple of buttons, sitting down harder than necessary in the pilot’s seat. He lets himself slip away as the Aurora shrinks away behind him, growing smaller and smaller until it’s just him, alone in the vast expanse of space. Stars glitter around him, cold and uncaring, and Marius lets himself break down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (forgot to add this whoops)  
> pouring - cyberbully mom club  
> as always im on tumblr @transxenomorph


	2. promise me you'll stay the same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Lyf has the Bifrost coursing through their veins, though, they can see more colors than they thought was even possible. It’s rather beautiful at night if they’re being honest. The moons in the night sky mingling with the light flooding the street from inside the shops, neon signs adding to the flurry of color. If they knew how to paint, they’d try to capture it, get it down on canvas. As it is, they settle for drinking it in as best as they can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI this one goes out to everyone who left a comment that was literally just smth along the lines of "OUCH" or "that hurt". i know there wasn't _as much_ angst this time but ill make up for it next chapter :)
> 
> // warning for suicidal ideation, a suicide attempt (kinda), mentions of alcohol and drinking

Lyfrassir is  _ tired _ . They’re tired of doing the same monotonous job every day. They’re tired of running away from their own dreams, spending every night on the rooftop, drinking coffee laced with something ten times stronger than the whiskey they used to get back on Midgard, another useless attempt to escape the undulating colors that haunt their dreams. It never works, because of course it doesn’t. Every time they fall asleep, they’re back on that train, impossible hues swirling around them in horrible, poetic eddies. 

They don’t sleep as much as they used to. Instead, when they’re not sitting on the edge of the rooftop, contemplating what it would be like to let themselves fall, they wander the city, taking in their surroundings, neon lights shining at them in technicolor, tiny variations in the hue that they would’ve never noticed back on Midgard. Now that Lyf has the Bifrost coursing through their veins, though, they can see more colors than they thought was even possible. It’s rather beautiful at night if they’re being honest. The moons in the night sky mingling with the light flooding the street from inside the shops, neon signs adding to the flurry of color. If they knew how to paint, they’d try to capture it, get it down on canvas. As it is, they settle for drinking it in as best as they can.

Their night time walks are the only reprieve they get, spending hours at a time losing themselves in their own thoughts. Thoughts which, more often than not, wander their traitorous way back to Marius. 

They've  _ tried  _ to forget him, sure. They spent a year and a half drinking themselves to oblivion and back trying to forget him, but it never worked. He always found a way to worm back into their mind, lingering at the edges of their thoughts. So, Lyf did what they did with him what they did with the rest of their painful memories from Midgard. They shoved him into a little box in the back of their mind that they only opened when they were drunk, high, or extra suicidal. 

And  _ sure,  _ sometimes at night they’ll bury their face in their pillow to hide the oil slick flush that rises on their cheeks and pretend that the hand between their legs is his, but that’s  _ their  _ business, okay? The point is, for some Gods forsaken reason, they’re still pining over the asshole. He left them behind on Midgard without a second thought, not even sparing a moment to ask them, ‘Oh, do you want a ride out of here before everything you’ve ever known is consumed by squamous monsters from between realities?’. Instead, he just fucked off to Gods know where, leaving them to get consumed by Yog-Sothoth. (Okay, technically they didn’t get consumed, and if you’re looking at how the rest of their system fared, they actually got out pretty unscathed, but it’s the thought that counts.)

Lyf shakes their head, dismissing their thoughts as they nudge open the door to their apartment, locking it behind them. Their hair and clothes are wet from the rain outside, and they hope it clears up by the time they’re done eating dinner. Tonight marks 10 years since they left Midgard, and they’re celebrating by going up to the roof and getting absolutely sloshed. They’re sure their mother would be proud of them for following in her footsteps.

Their cat, Sigyn, hops down from the counter, winding around their ankles. They smile softly at her, bending down to pick her up. She chirps at them, settling herself on their shoulders as they carefully unpack their groceries, making sure not to disturb her from her precarious perch, loading the couple of cold items they’d bought into the tiny mini-fridge crammed onto the counter next to a toaster oven they’d bought when they first arrived on the planet, which had miraculously not fallen apart yet.

One of the advantages of working at this planet’s equivalent of a shitty hotel was that Lyf essentially had a free place to live. The owner had taken pity on them and offered one of the rooms at the end of the 5th floor, which went largely unused. They weren’t sure  _ why  _ it was always vacant, and they had decided that they didn’t want to ask.

Sigyn hops down into the floor, and they wince at the prick of her claws in their back as she pushes off of them. She disappears around the corner, presumably to lay down on the bed, and they set about making something akin to dinner.    
  
By the time they finish their food, (a sandwich, and a lukewarm cup of tea), the rain has mostly let up, and they smile to themselves as they set their plate and mug in the sink, resolving to wash them later. Of course, if the small pile of other dishes in the sink is anything to go by, they probably  _ won’t _ , but whatever. They check Sigyn’s food and water bowls, making sure they’re full, before grabbing a bottle of whiskey from the cupboard and slipping out the door.

Fortunately, the stairs to the roof are close to their door, so it’s not too far of a walk from their room. They sigh quietly as they push open the door to the roof, inhaling the scent of fresh rain, the smell mingling with the smell of various foods drifting up from the booths on the street below. There’s still a haze of clouds mostly obscuring the moons, but a few shafts of light slip through, illuminating the roof in a million shades of pink and yellow. They stand there for a long moment, just taking it in, before stepping through the door fully, shutting it behind them. 

They aren’t sure how long they’ve been on the roof when Lyf hears the access door open again. They automatically stiffen, still not entirely sure if they’re allowed to be on top of the building. There’s quiet, careful footsteps crunching across the gravel, and Lyf relaxes slightly, since their owner doesn’t seem to be coming towards them. 

Their concern immediately picks back up again, because the person instead heads directly towards the edge of the rooftop, stopping at the very edge. That’s… usually not the best of signs. Carefully, they stand up, making sure to keep their steps heavy enough that the other person hears them. Judging from the way that they stiffen, tilting their head slightly to the side, Lyf is pretty sure it worked. They get a little closer, and the person shifts closer to the edge, so they stop.

“It won’t help, you know?” Their voice is distinctly male, rough and scratchy from what Lyf recognizes as days- or weeks- spent not doing much more than the bare minimum to keep themselves alive. Now that their eyes are more adjusted to the light, they can see that his right arm glints strangely in the shallow moonlight. (They can’t help but think of someone else they know with a metal arm.)

“Won’t help?” They echo, stepping as lightly as they can on the gravel in an attempt to get closer to him. The other man laughs, though the sound is devoid of humor. He shifts, rocking back on his heels momentarily before tilting forwards, dangerously close to falling off the side of the building.

“No. It’s… I’ve tried this, before. The jump, the dying. It never works, I always wake up afterward. This is just another useless attempt.” Okay, that’s… a bit weird. Whatever, they can question the cryptic things he’s saying  _ after  _ they convince him not to throw himself off a building. Speaking of, he’s edged closer to the drop while they weren’t looking, and they swear under their breath.

“Look, just… just come off the ledge, and we can- we can talk or something. I mean- there are other options, you don’t  _ have  _ to do this.” That gets another laugh.

“I don’t have to, no, but I  _ want  _ to.” They yelp as he steps forwards before they can try to rebuke his statement, scrambling forwards to the edge of the roof just in time to grab him by the wrist. There’s a slightly concerning crunch as he jerks to a halt in their grasp, and they immediately fumble the get a good grip on the rooftop before they go sliding off after him. 

The change of angle means the stranger’s face is illuminated by the light coming out of a nearby window, and they almost drop him in their surprise.

Marius von Raum stares back up at them, looking just as caught off guard as they are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cherry tree - cyberbully mom club (this song is so obscure i thought i hallucinated it for a while so here's a link https://soundcloud.com/boyscottt/cherry-tree )  
> as always im on tumblr @transxenomorph


	3. the wind is counting your hair in the light aglow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “They didn’t let me wake up until three weeks after we left. So I’m fucking sorry, Lyfrassir, but you’re not the only person who lost someone you loved. And you didn’t have to deal with the fact that you thought it was your fault they died. I’ve spent the last decade trying to die because I thought you were dead, and that it was all my fault.” Lyf stares at him for a while, mind racing. That’s… a lot to take in. Of course, because they’re an idiot, they decide to focus on the one thing Marius probably doesn’t want them to.
> 
> “...Someone you loved?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah this chapter was gonna be like 10x angstier but my friend bullied me into Not Doing That so you have voi to thank hdfgjdghf

Lyf just stares at him for a moment, eyes wide. Marius doesn’t seem like he’s faring much better than they are, and there’s several seconds of silence between them, the only sound being the quiet chatter of the street, several stories below.

Then, their grip on his arm falters for a moment, and they startle as he slips further down. They get their feet back beneath themselves, leaning down to grab the collar of his shirt with their other hand, yanking him back up onto the roof. He lands on the ground, and as soon as they’re sure he’s not in any immediate danger of falling off the edge, they stand up, brushing excess gravel off their pants with a sigh. Marius pushes himself up, wavering slightly in place as he looks them up and down.

They watch, unimpressed, as he opens and closes his mouth a few times, apparently lost for words. Finally, he clears his throat, tone almost reverent as he speaks.

“You’re alive.” Oh. Oh, that  _ asshole _ . They aren’t sure why it sets them off, but one moment Lyf is standing several feet away from him, the next, they’re throwing a punch with all their force, vicious satisfaction curling in their stomach at the crack that sounds as their knuckles connect with his face. Marius’s head snaps to the side, the other man not even  _ trying  _ to put up a fight. 

He stumbles back slightly, and they watch as blood starts to drip from his nose. They wait for him to snark back at them, deliver some sarcastic comment, but he just nods quietly.

“I… deserved that.”

“You  _ think _ ?” They snarl at him, barely resisting the urge to throw a second punch. “You left me on that fucking planet to  _ die _ , von Raum. What, you didn’t spare a moment to think ‘oh, hey, maybe I should warn some people, instead of leaving thousands of innocents to die’, huh?” Almost a decade of pent up anger spills out, overflowing all at once, made worse by the fact that Marius is just  _ taking it _ .

“Listen, Lyfrassir, I’m sorry-” He starts, and they shake their head, cutting him off.

“Too little too fucking late, von Raum. Don’t even fucking try, I don’t want to hear it. What I  _ want _ is to go back down to my fucking apartment, get myself drunk- because, oh yeah, this is the anniversary of everything I’ve ever loved being  _ destroyed _ \- and try to forget that you’re still alive.” By the time they’re finished, their chest is heaving slightly, knuckles white from how hard they’re clenching their fists.

Marius is quiet for a long, torturous, moment, before his shoulders start to shake quietly. At first, they think he’s laughing, and Lyf is just about ready to punch him again, but he meets their eyes, and they realize that he’s  _ crying _ . What the fuck.

“I uh- I didn’t,” Marius sniffles, wiping his face, smearing blood across his upper lip in the process. “I didn’t leave you behind. Ivy and Raph, they didn’t even tell me what was gonna- what was going to happen. I tried to go back and get you out but Ivy just- she spouted one of her bullshit statistics about how it was too dangerous, and they made the decision for me.” He pauses, taking a long breath. 

“They didn’t let me wake up until three weeks after we left. So I’m fucking  _ sorry _ , Lyfrassir, but you’re not the only person who lost someone you loved. And you didn’t have to deal with the fact that you thought it was your fault they died. I’ve spent the last decade trying to die because I thought you were  _ dead _ , and that it was all my fault.” Lyf stares at him for a while, mind racing. That’s… a lot to take in. Of course, because they’re an idiot, they decide to focus on the one thing Marius probably  _ doesn’t  _ want them to.

“...Someone you loved?” Lyf swears they can see Marius go through every stage of grief in a little under five seconds. They quickly spread their hands in surrender, any last shreds of anger that had been left after Marius had started crying dissipating at the vaguely terrified look on his face. They carefully approach him again, and as soon as they reach out and make contact with his shoulder, he crumples to his knees.

They curse under their breath, sinking to the ground with him. They rack their brain for how to comfort him. Having spent so long without any positive interaction with other people has it’s downfalls, apparently. After a moment’s deliberation, they carefully tug him into a hug.

“von R- Marius, listen. I… I’m still mad, sure, but learning that you didn’t  _ want  _ to leave me behind…” They huff sharply to themself. Fuck it. “I definitely feel a bit better about pining over you for the past 10 years.” They feel Marius startle slightly, and they can practically hear the gears turning in his head. He pulls back, meeting their gaze, and they stare back at him, barely daring to blink.

The light of the moons shines on his face, reflecting in technicolor off the tears still shining on his cheeks, a hundred thousand colors shimmering in the night air. Absently, they think that he shouldn’t be allowed to look so pretty after crying.    
  
Then, he’s kissing them, and they can’t think about much of anything else. 

It’s definitely not a perfect kiss. They can taste his blood on their lips, staining their teeth as they press into him with their whole body, and his metal arm is cold on their side where it creeps up beneath the hem of their shirt, but at that moment, it’s all they want.

After a minute, they pull back to breathe, laughing gently at the soft noise Marius makes, trying to chase after their lips. They place a hand on his chest, smiling at him.

“Oxygen, von Raum. I kind of need it to breathe?” Marius snickers, shaking his head. They swear they can hear him mumble ‘ _ loser _ ’ under his breath. The anger that had been simmering in their chest is replaced with a gentle fondness, so quickly that it honestly surprises them. They had been  _ so  _ angry at him, but it had just… drained out of them, like that. (They pointedly decide not to think about that fact that they’re pretty sure they hadn’t been truly angry at him for years, but that they’d simply chosen bitterness over sadness.)

“We should… probably go inside,” They prompt after a moment. “It’s cold up here, and you need some tissues for your nose- sorry about that, by the way.”

Marius hums noncommittally, but he still lets them yank him to his feet, leading him back towards the door leading into the interior of the building. And if Lyf tangles their fingers with his as they walk, that’s no one’s business but their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "finally!" you cry. "they're communicating!" you cry. little do you know i am sitting in my little angst tower rubbing my evil little hands together. i have like 3 more chapters of angst drafted out.
> 
> vor í vaglaskógi - KALEO (english translation obv skdjb)  
> as always im on tumblr @transxenomorph


	4. maybe i could wake up and feel alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Against his will, Marius snickers.
> 
> “Sorry, sorry,” He immediately placates as they make a slightly offended noise. “I just- who sees that someone is screaming and says “Alright, I’m gonna leave them here until they shut up”? What the fuck? Even Jonny wouldn’t do that.” Lyf smiles, stepping back out of his arms. They press a quick kiss to his temple, before turning, grabbing something out of the fridge that, besides being a slightly concerning shade of blue, looks promisingly alcoholic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI sorry for the long wait! here's an extra long chapter to make up for it :)!

Marius reminds himself to breathe as Lyf leaves him in the small kitchenette, disappearing further into the motel room that they’d apparently been calling home. He can hear water running in the other room. After a minute, they reemerge, brandishing a wet washcloth.

He lets them maneuver him onto the counter so they’re eye-to-eye, holding back a smile as they gently wipe the blood off his face. He decides not to tell that that his nose had already healed, thanks to his mechanism. If he’s enjoying how close they are to him, that’s nobody’s business but his own.

They step back, retreating to the other counter as they haphazardly toss the now-bloody cloth in the sink, and silence settles over them for a long moment. Marius opens and closes his mouth a few times, trying to form words, before finally sighing.

“You… what  _ happened _ , Lyf? How did you survive that? I mean, we left long before anything even happened, and we still got caught in the Bifrost for a moment- though I’m pretty sure that’s because Raphaella and Ivy spent 20 minutes getting me on the ship, since II kept trying to go back. How did you  _ survive  _ that?” Lyf tenses slightly when he mentions trying to go back for them, a mix of pain and anger flitting across their expression. 

“I… didn’t. I didn’t get out. I really, genuinely don’t know why I’m here right now.” Their voice is smaller than he’s ever heard it, and Marius’ breath catches in his throat. He wants to grab their hand, but they stay firmly on the other side of the tiny kitchen, and he doesn’t want to encroach on their personal space, especially when they sound so vulnerable. He flexes his metal hand, wishing he could see Ivy and Raphaella again, if only so he could crush both their throats again. He waits patiently for them to continue, watching them carefully as they take a steadying breath.

“When I got to the end of that report, I just… left. I went back to my apartment, I shoved some clothes and a couple days worth of rations into a backpack, then I went down to the port to catch the next ship heading out of the system. I was- like you know, I was a transport officer, so I had a pretty good idea of when ships came and went, so I thought I knew about a ship that was set to leave the system that day, about 20 minutes. Turns out, since I was so focused on the black box, I missed the fact that it had left a day early.” 

_ Oh _ . Marius reaches for them hesitantly, and they waver in place for a moment, before stepping forward into his arms. He dutifully ignores the fact that he has to stand on his tip-toes in order to hook his arms around their neck. Fucking tall people.

Lyf takes a long moment before they start speaking again, still not letting go of him. The vibrations of their voice rumble quietly in their chest as they talk.

“When I realized it was gone, I stood in the middle of that port for… hours, probably. It just hit me that,  _ oh _ , I’m going to die. I didn’t go try to warn anyone else, I didn’t go visit my mom or my sister, I just stood there for a while, then I went and sat down in the park, and I waited. It was only a couple of hours before something- something shifted, I guess? I’m not sure if I felt the ground shift, or if I  _ heard  _ it, or if it was the little bit of Bifrost that was already a part of me felt it, but I just- I just knew that it was over. I didn’t move from my spot, the whole time it happened. I sat there, and I let it take me. It wasn’t even like I was stuck there out of fright or anything, I was just… apathetic.”   
  
Marius knows that feeling all too well. The first time he died after attaining his mechanism, he’d been trapped inside of a building Ashes had decided to burn down. No one had thought to tell him that he was essentially immortal, instead just leaving him there to retrieve after it was done burning. He’d sat down on a barstool, head in his hands even as the flames licked at his pant legs, letting it overtake him. He hadn’t been hopeless, he just didn’t care.

Lyf continues, shifting so their arms are wrapped around him, resting lightly at the small of his back. Marius allows himself a small moment of self-indulgence to marvel at the fact that he’s even _doing_ this. He’s standing in Lyf’s kitchen, hugging them as he listens to them talk. This is something he’d been mourning that he’d never be able to do for the past decade, but it’s _real_.

“I’m sure this won’t- won’t be a great story to tell on one of your little albums, or whatever, but,” Lyf shrugs softly, sighing. “I really don’t remember what happened. I- I remember smoke, and rainbows, and things that hurt to look at, and then everything went black, and I thought I was dying. Then, after what felt like- what didn’t feel like more than five seconds, I woke up again, and I was in the airlock of a spaceship. The captain said they’d found me floating through space, covered in a million different colors. They thought I was a corpse at first, said they just wanted to figure out what happened to me, but apparently, I woke up as soon as they got me on the ship. Apparently, I started screaming, and they didn’t know why, so they just left me in there until I stopped. After that, I sort of… drifted around, until I wound up here.” Against his will, Marius snickers.

“Sorry, sorry,” He immediately placates as they make a slightly offended noise. “I just- who sees that someone is screaming and says “Alright, I’m gonna leave them here until they shut up”? What the fuck? Even _Jonny_ wouldn’t do that.” Lyf smiles, stepping back out of his arms. They press a quick kiss to his temple, before turning, grabbing something out of the fridge that, besides being a slightly concerning shade of blue, looks promisingly alcoholic.

“Speaking of Jonny, what happened to your crew? I mean, they can’t be _far_ , right?” Marius winces slightly at that, accepting the glass they offer him. He takes a long swig, savoring the burn as it travels down his throat. _Definitely_ alcohol, then.

“That’s…” He makes a face, searching for the right words. “I left. I woke up in the med bay of the Aurora, and when I found out what had happened, I left. I also- I said some really shitty stuff, and I really wish I could take it back, because I never meant any of it, but it’s too late now. I’m sure they’ve all forgotten about me anyways.” He takes another drink of alcohol, both to punctuate the statement, and to avoid Lyf’s sympathetic gaze.

“I’m not sure I believe _that_. I don’t know about the rest of your crew, but from what I saw of you, Ivy, and Raphaella, you all seemed pretty close.” They take a sip of their own drink, face screwing up at the taste, but they don’t seem to let it deter them.

“Yeah, well, I told them I didn’t love them.” Marius grumbles, and they nod slowly, eyes searching. “I said that I hated them, and that I uh- that I never loved them, and some other super shitty stuff, then I left. So, I’m pretty sure that, even if they haven’t forgotten me, they still hate me for it.” He finds his cup empty, but Lyf is already offering him the bottle, not even bothering to refill the glass. He takes it, but they don’t let go for a moment, meeting his eyes.

“Marius, I’m going to get you drunk, and I’m going to let you ignore your feelings for a night, because it would be pretty hypocritical of me not to. Then, I’m going to make your repressed ass actually express your emotions, because holy _shit_ there’s a lot to talk about there. _Then_ , we’re finding your damn crew.”

Marius watches them for a long moment, before sighing, and nodding. They release the bottle, and he puts it to his lips, taking a long swig. This’ll be fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> saline solution - wilbur  
> as always im on tumblr @transxenomorph


	5. or will i just cease to exist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonny would be lying if he said he didn’t prefer Marius’ non-consensual therapy appointments to the pressing emptiness, though. He’d take a hundred more hours spent tied to a couch while the doctor doodled bullshit in the margins of his notebook over the acute lack of his presence, the Marius-shaped hole at their table, on the stage, wandering the ships like a particularly bothersome ghost. Hell, he’d take Marius’ anger over this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise! jonny POV!

Jonny sighs quietly to himself as he walks past the hallway that used to lead to Marius’ quarters. It’s been years since they’ve been disturbed, the doctor’s old clothes and assorted papers still scattered haphazardly on the floor, violin case propped open and vacant on his bed. None of the crew had the heart to clear it out.

Logically, Jonny knows Marius isn’t coming back. even the worst spats he’d had with other crew members always ended after a year or so of radio silence, half a decade at most. Sure, they might stay away for a little longer, but they’d at least send in a message of some sort, just to let the others know they were okay. This time, though, it had been dead silence from Marius since he’d left.

Though he wouldn’t admit it to any of the others, he still talked to the other man, hoping that he’d hear it. Jonny would hole himself up in his quarters, fiddling with an old transmitter until he locked onto the signal that Aurora told him belonged to the escape pod the doctor had taken. Then, he’d just… talk. Sometimes he’d tell the other about what had happened since his last transmission, or he’d ramble about whatever was bugging him at the moment. Other times, he’d just tell Marius how much he missed him. Those were the nights that always seemed to drag on the longest, time slowing to a honey-like crawl around him, long after he’d turned off the transmitter, amplifying every one of his thoughts back at him like an echo chamber.

If he told the other man, Marius would probably psychoanalyze him and tell him some bullshit like “You need to acknowledge your negative emotions”, or “You still feel guilt over your father and you’re projecting that onto other aspects of your life”. What the fuck did he know, anyways? It’s not as though the other man was a _real_ doctor. He was just pulling things out of his ass. Yeah. That was it.

(Jonny would be lying if he said he didn’t prefer Marius’ non-consensual therapy appointments to the pressing _emptiness_ , though. He’d take a hundred more hours spent tied to a couch while the doctor doodled bullshit in the margins of his notebook over the acute lack of his presence, the Marius-shaped hole at their table, on the stage, wandering the ships like a particularly bothersome ghost. Hell, he’d take Marius’ _anger_ over this.)

Jonny hadn’t felt this way since Nastya left, and he can tell that the other crew members can see that it’s getting to him. While he’d never say it out loud, Marius was one of the people he was closest to. He was who Jonny would go to when he was worried about whatever tiny thing Tim had said at the time, in need of someone to reassure him that it was just his mind blowing things out of proportion, and that _Tim doesn’t hate you, dumbass, you have ADHD and you won’t take the meds I give you_.

The other Mechanisms were there for him, absolutely. They listened to his drunken, slurred rants, and carted him off to bed when he spent hours up scribbling in his notebook, thinking of lyrics and chords and themes for the new album. They let him take out his anger, fighting back with just as much force when he needed a good brawl. He really, truly appreciated them, for all their shortcomings, but with two members missing, the crew just felt… wrong. Like a puzzle with a corner piece missing, it _could_ function on its own, but the missing piece made it all wrong, the absence jarringly visible.

Currently, Jonny was celebrating the almost-ten-year anniversary of Marius leaving by drinking himself to the bottom of a bottle, and curling up in bed with the old transmitter, messing with the old levers and dials until the no-signal static melted into silence, the lack of sound taunting him. He takes a long swig of the bottle, wrinkling his nose at the taste of whiskey as it burns in his throat. It gets the job done, sure, but Jonny’s pretty sure he’ll never grow used to the taste, bitter and unpleasant on his tongue.

“Y’know,” He starts, talking in the general direction of the microphone, gesturing with the bottle, uncaring of the liquid that sloshes up the sides. “It’s been almost a decade since you left. I uh- I wish I could say I hated you for it, for not coming back, for not letting us know you were alive. I _want_ to hate you for it, I know I should. I mean, it’d only been, what, half a century since Nastya left, you should’ve maybe thought about that before you left us all to deal with _another_ member deciding to leave us behind. I just- it’s hard to hate you, because every time I try to remind myself of the shit you pulled, I just keep thinking about the good memories we had. This is- that’s what you did to me, von Raum! I’m usually _so_ full of hatred, but I still love your dumb ass, wherever the fuck you are. Don’t- don’t get me wrong, I’m still _really_ fucking angry at you. When y- if you come back again, it’s gonna take a _long_ ass time to forgive you, but I don’t hate you, not really.” He takes another long drink of whiskey to punctuate his point, though he’s sure the microphone doesn’t pick it up.

“And that’s another thing! Where the fuck did you _go_? Ivy and Raph spent 3 years searching every planet in the system you ejected yourself in, and they couldn’t find you _anywhere_. We actually resorted to putting up “Have you seen this man” posters, hoping someone would- I don’t fucking know- hoping someone would have seen you? Nothing. I mean, you just dropped off the map.” He pauses, sucking in a sharp breath.

“I kinda wish I could do that too. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so bad about moping over you all the time, when I’ve got a crew here to stay with me. Maybe then-“ He’s cut off by the slight sound of fabric shifting on the other end, and he trails off. He wouldn’t have picked it up if he wasn’t usually so hyperaware of the silence. There are a few moments of quiet, before an unfamiliar voice sighs, strange accent crackling through the speakers.

“Gods, you’re even more of a mess than Marius is. What does he say- Jesus Christ, man.” Jonny stares at the transmitter for a few moments, before scrambling forwards, grabbing the microphone and bringing it close to his mouth.

“Who the fuck are you, and how did you find this channel.” There’s another sigh, and the rustle of someone moving around momentarily. When the other person speaks again, they’re much closer to the microphone, thick accent even more noticeable now that their voice is louder.

“Lyfrassir Edda, at your service, sir. I’m assuming you’re Jonny D’ville?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see my secret is i have a whole chapter in lyfs POV planned out before we actually see what happens between them and jonny :)  
> ( memento mori - crywank)  
> as always im on tumblr @transxenomorph


	6. but i swear with all your burnt bridges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m not gonna push you into this before you’re ready, but you might as well get your stuff from there. I know you’re keeping your spare clothes and the tools for doing work on your arm on that ship, you told me yourself.” Ah, fuck, he did, didn’t he. Curse you, Past Marius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i rewrote this about 5 times!!! im in spain but the s is silent 💞

Marius sighs to himself as he stares out the window, watching the sun rise. He can hear Lyf doing something in the kitchen, along with the sound of the coffee maker running, but he mostly ignores it in favor of studying the city, finally taking in his surroundings without alcohol clouding his vision.

All in all, the whole thing is way more domestic than he’s used to, but he doesn’t mind. It’s a bit jarring in contrast to what he had with the other Mechanisms, but the change is definitely welcome.

Of course, because his brain never lets him have anything nice, his thoughts immediately do a 180 from the soft domesticity of the morning, instead deciding to focus on the guilt still simmering in his gut over the way he’d left his crew.

If Marius was being honest, he’d mostly forgotten about what he’d said, up until he’d pulled the memories back to the forefront of his mind while talking with Lyf. It had been several days since they’d kissed him on the roof, before dragging him down to their apartment. It was strange waking up in a bed next to someone, being allowed to linger in soft moments as they worked around each other. They’d gently pushed him to reveal more about the circumstances of him leaving, but he’d deflected each time, so they’d let it go for a while.

Marius, however, had decidedly _not_ let it go. He was, in fact, doing the opposite of letting it go. He might as well have superglued it to himself at this point. He may not have been a real doctor, but even _he_ was pretty sure that wasn’t healthy.

 _“I loved them more than I ever loved any of you assholes!”_ His brain helpfully supplies, and he frowns, turning away from the window. If there was one thing he regretted the most about leaving, it was that. Saying things he didn’t mean, and storming away before the others could talk him down. He still _vividly_ remembered the look on Ivy’s face, shock and hurt mixing together.

Before he can go too far down that path, though, Lyf startles him out of his thoughts my pressing a light kiss to his forehead, setting a plate down in front of him. He hums, smiling faintly at them, and they smile back. He glances down at the food, and grins. They’d made it for him before; it was apparently some dish from back on Midgard. They had complained about not having all the right ingredients, but if you asked him, it was still pretty damn good. He didn’t remember what they’d called it, but he hadn’t been able to pronounce the name anyways, so he supposed that didn’t much matter.

“What’re you thinking about?” Lyf asks, accent made thicker by the remnants of sleep in their voice, and Marius melts a little bit. _Fuck_ , he’s in love. He dutifully avoids the question, taking a bite of food instead.

“You’re a great cook, have I mentioned?” Lyf fixes him with a deadpan stare, and he sighs.

“I- okay, _fine_. I _might_ have been thinking about what I said to the rest of the crew before I left, and how I regret it. _Maybe_.” They groan, smacking him on the arm lightly.

“Marius, I promise me you’ll feel a hundred times better if you just talk to me about it, okay? We can- you can talk about it, then we can actually _find_ them, because I’m sure it’ll take them saying it to your face before you believe that they don’t hate you.” They tangle their fingers together with his, and Marius silently squeezes their hand.

He can see their mind working for a long moment, but they speak before he can ask them what they’re thinking about.

“You said your ship was here, right?” Okay, not what Marius was expecting, is he’s being honest.

“I- yeah, why?” They shrug, taking a bite of their own food thoughtfully.

“I’m not gonna push you into this before you’re ready, but you might as well get your stuff from there. I know you’re keeping your spare clothes and the tools for doing work on your arm on that ship, you told me yourself.” Ah, fuck, he did, didn’t he. Curse you, Past Marius. He hesitates for a long moment, before deciding that there’s not much that could go wrong.

“Yeah. Yeah, I am. Why, you wanna go grab it today?” They wave a hand vaguely towards his metal arm. It had been getting a bit stiff recently. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed in a few minutes with the proper tools, but since he didn’t _have_ those, it was just getting worse.

“Okay, yeah, good point. Can we go after breakfast though? I wasn’t _just_ trying to deflect when I said you were a good cook.” Lyf snickers, but they nod, and he digs back in.

-

In hindsight, Marius decides, this wasn’t a very good idea. He hadn’t realized how many personal things were littered around the small craft, and he’s pretty sure he’s going to combust if he gets one more Look as Lyf helps him retrieve his belongings. He sits cross-legged on the small cot in the main part of the ship, folding his clothes as small as possible and shoving them in his bag.

Meanwhile, Lyf had put themselves in charge of looking at the assorted pictures and leftovers from the other planets he'd visited before arriving on this one. Occasionally, they’d come across something particularly damning, usually a map with the tallest buildings circled, or a sketch of one of his former crewmates, abandoned halfway through. Every time they did, he’d get another Look, all pity and sympathy. He’s glad there’s no condescension to be found in their expression, like he was expecting, but _still_. At one point, they whistle to get his attention, and he turns. They gesture to a small comm attached to the wall, and he shakes his head.

“Nah, it doesn’t work. Not sure if it’s dead, or if it just can’t get a signal, but it’s just static. Trust me, I’ve tried several times.” Lyf hums, pointing to the switch on the side.

“You’re sure it’s not just turned off?” Oh. Marius… hadn’t actually considered that. He kind of just assumed it was always on. Huh. He goes to say something, but they’re flicking the switch, and the comm is crackling to life. Marius freezes in place as a familiar voice comes out of the speaker, staticky and slightly slurred, but still incredibly recognizable as Jonny.

Lyf turns, raising an eyebrow at him, ‘I told you so’ energy radiating off them in _waves_. Marius gestures for them to turn it off, and they shake their head cheerfully.

“ _Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so bad about moping over you all the time, when I’ve got a crew here to stay with me_ ,” Jonny says, and Marius can’t help his wince. God, even when he was gone, he didn’t stop hurting the crew. Jonny was still hurting without him there. Jonny continues, but Lyf reaches over and presses a button before he can get much further. They lean back, jacket brushing against a small stack of boxes besides them, and Jonny goes silent.

Lyf watches the radio for a long moment, before shrugging.

“Gods, you’re even more of a mess than Marius is.” Marius bristles defensively, mouthing ‘ _Hey!_ ’ at them, and they stick their tongue out at him. Marius sticks his out back at them, crossing his arms. He’s _thoroughly_ regretting doing this, now. This went wrong in a way he couldn’t have even begun to imagine, and he’s pretty sure that was Lyf’s plan to begin with.

He tunes back in just in time to hear Lyf introduce himself, and the flurry of swears that comes from Jonny’s end upon hearing their name _almost_ makes the situation worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soap - the oh hellos  
> as always im on tumblr @transxenomorph


	7. nobody else knows me the way that you do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marius sucks in an agitated breath, and Lyf can pick up the sound of him drumming his metal fingers on the hull of the ship, metal echoing hollowly against metal. “What about Lyf? I meant what I said, I loved them- I love them. I can’t just abandon them here!” 
> 
> Oh. They would never say it to his face, but that was… honestly what Lyf was expecting. They never truly expected to take precedence over Marius’ crew. After all, 8 years spent on opposite sides of a set of bars, and a few weeks of being something that could actually be considered partners, that was nothing compared to millennia spent travelling together. They blink rapidly, pushing the thoughts to the back of their head. They can be sappy about that later.
> 
> “Fuck it, they can come with us, if they want! I don’t give a shit, Marius, I just- I can’t fucking lose you again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIII im back to more frequent updates!!! i can't promise hnoc brainrot wont strike again and distract me from updating for another week but w/e

Lyf keeps a careful eye on Marius even as they put most of their energy into corralling Jonny into something resembling coherence. For the most part, the smaller man seems to be shocked, but they can’t spot anything particularly telling in his body language. They’re not that worried about him having a panic attack (yet), but better safe than sorry. 

  
“You’re fucking dead!” They hear Jonny hiss incredulously, and Lyf can’t keep the smile off their lips. 

  
“I mean, I’m pretty obviously not. Unless I’m a ghost and don’t know it, which is pretty improbable, judging from what I’ve been up to recently.” Okay, they’ll admit that last comment was mostly so they could see Marius bury his face in his hands to hide a blush. Lyf thinks he cute when he’s flustered, sue them.

  
“That’s- okay, I do not want to hear about what you’ve been up to with Marius.” Jonny grumbles. Marius lifts his head, rolling his eyes in the general direction of the comms. ‘Tell him he’s a hypocrite’, he mouths at them, and they shake their head. ’Tell him yourself’, they mouth back, and Marius flips them off, but does just that, to their surprise. Jonny’s silent for a long moment, and the anger and annoyance is completely drained from his tone when he speaks again, the staticky whine doing nothing to mask the tremor in his voice.

  
“Marius?” There’s a rustle of fabric moving, and the clink of a bottle being set down. Lyf glances over at Marius, having a quick silent conversation with him. After a moment, he nods, and they slip outside, grabbing his now packed bag from the cot as they do so. They hear him start speaking as they slip out the door, and they immediately tune it out. That conversation is something personal, they don’t need to be privy to it. 

  
Of course, because Jonny apparently has the same level of volume control as Marius, they still catch several snippets. They ignore it for the first part, but as Marius grows more agitated, slight panic seeping into his voice, they instinctively lean in slightly to listen.

  
“-Jonny, you don’t need to- the crew doesn’t need to know I’m here. You can all be happy without me, you have been so far, right?”

  
“Happy without you? We’ve been a mess, Marius. After Nastya left, I didn’t think any of us could handle someone else being gone, and I was right. Remember how badly Brian was moping over that preacher after we got him out of the sun? He’s been like that for the past decade, but fucking worse.” Okay, that’s something Lyf is going to have to ask Marius about, what the _fuck_. “We’ve all been worse, Mari. You’re part of the damn crew, you belong with us.”

  
Marius sucks in an agitated breath, and Lyf can pick up the sound of him drumming his metal fingers on the hull of the ship, metal echoing hollowly against metal. “What about Lyf? I meant what I said, I loved them- I love them. I can’t just abandon them here!” 

  
Oh. They would never say it to his face, but that was… honestly what Lyf was expecting. They never truly expected to take precedence over Marius’ crew. After all, 8 years spent on opposite sides of a set of bars, and a few weeks of being something that could actually be considered partners, that was nothing compared to millennia spent travelling together. They blink rapidly, pushing the thoughts to the back of their head. They can be sappy about that later.

  
“Fuck it, they can come with us, if they want! I don’t give a shit, Marius, I just- I can’t fucking lose you again.” Jonny’s voice cracks on the last word, though he tries to hide it.  
“Don’t do that, Jonny,” Marius spits back, but Lyf can tell he’s just as torn up inside. “Don’t- don’t lie to me.”

  
“Marius, I swear on my father’s grave, I’m not lying to you. We’re falling apart without you, okay?” There’s a pause, then Jonny speaks again before Marius can reply. “’Rora, do you have it?” Marius curses, and Lyf cocks their head, trying to figure out what Jonny had done with context clues alone.

  
“Jonny, don’t you fucking dare-“ He starts, but he’s cut off.

  
“Marius, you’re a fucking idiot. I’ll see you soon.” The comms cut off with a crackle, and a moment later comes the telltale clang of Marius punching the wall off the ship. Lyf takes that as their cue to reenter, carefully edging into the ship. Marius is slid halfway down the wall, and he glances up when they step inside, meeting their eyes, and they frown at the fear shimmering in his expression

  
“Oh, _sötnos_ ,” They hum, coming to sit in front of him. “What’s going on?” Marius huffs, leaning into the hand they bring up to cradle his cheek.

  
“Jonny’s being a stubborn asshole, that’s what’s going on. I- I forgot that Aurora could track signals, if she has enough time. That’s- it’s what Jonny did. He used the damn comms to like- I don’t fucking know. To figure out where the ship is. Where I am.” Oh. Lyf leans in, pressing a quick kiss to his lips before pulling back to look him in the eyes.

  
“Listen to me- no, Marius, look at me, look me in the eyes. It’ll be fine. I know you, and I know you were going to put this off forever. I’m absolutely going to beat Jonny’s ass when he gets here-“ That gets a snicker out of Marius, and Lyf bites back a smile. “But this works out, okay? If worse comes to worst, we can just run away to another star system.” Marius chuckles, still holding their gaze. He looks almost entranced, and they raise an eyebrow at him before they realize, quickly breaking the stare.

  
“Oh yeah, eldritch shit. Sorry.” Marius knocks them with a shoulder, shaking his head.

  
“Hey, I literally get lost in your eyes, Lyf. That’s- not many people can say that.” Lyf rolls their eyes, knocking him back in retaliation before standing up, pulling him to his feet.

  
“Only you could manage to make a joke about me being horrible fucked up and eldritch. Only you, Marius.” Their fond tone betrays them, and they sigh internally as they watch Marius visibly relax a bit. He’s still wound up, and they’re sure he won’t stop being a ball of nervous energy until he actually sees his crew again, but they’ll take what they can get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now THIS is podracing - mom jeans  
> we're actually? getting near to the end of this arc?? the fic itself still has a bit more left but the arc ive affectionally dubbed 'marius idiot moments' is coming to a close <3


	8. one-hundred hours to rearrange the stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i MIGHT have stayed up till 2am writing this, forgetting that i had to be up at 6am the next morning. perhaps.

Laid out on Lyf’s bed, his head in their lap as they absently run their hands through his hair, Marius can almost forget the anxiety curling in the pit of his stomach. He can hear them humming something, the tune oddly familiar. He cocks his head curiously, trying to listen.

They must realize at the same time that he does, because they stop humming with a groan at the same time that he lets out a sharp laugh. They snort, trying to cover his mouth with a hand before he can speak, but he evades them.

“Were you just humming Tales to Be Told? Am I hallucinating, Lyf? Did that just happen?” They shake their head, unable to defend themselves through their own laughter. 

“No, it- fuck, it’s catchy, okay? You hear that shit every day for eight years, it’s gonna get ingrained into your brain, Marius. You can’t blame me!” Marius jabs an accusing finger in their direction.

“No, you don’t get to take it back. You were humming one of our songs. It happened; I have proof.” Lyf chuckles, but Marius sees them sober slightly, and he frowns, before realizing. Our songs. As if he was still a part of the crew. 

“Their songs.” He corrects, and Lyf flicks him in the forehead. 

“Don’t, Marius. Stop trying to exclude yourself, like you’re not one of them.” Marius huffs, grabbing their hand before they can pull it away, lacing their fingers together.

“I’m not, though. I mean- on a base level, we’re all Mechanisms, yes, but I left. I’m not one of them anymore.” Lyf rolls their eyes, squeezing his hand lightly. Marius rolls off of them before sitting up so they’re sitting eye to eye.

“Marius, they’re coming back for you,” They start, and Marius grimaces.

“Eugh, don’t remind me.” They stare at him for a moment, and he blinks. “Sorry, sorry, continue.”

“Oh my gods, that’s not- anyways. They’re coming back for you; they want to see you again. They obviously still consider you part of their crew. Every single one of them cares about you enough to come back. That has to count for something, right?” Marius sighs, poking them in the chest.

“Lyf, I need you to stop making good arguments. You’re making me look bad, I need you to lose a disagreement every once in a while.” Lyf laughs, poking him back. Their eyes are a bright blue today, though Marius can spot flecks of gold shimmering in their irises, shining in a ring around their pupils.

  
“I will not stop winning arguments. I’m right, and you need to hear what I have to say sometimes. You need a voice of reason or you’ll just go off the rails.” Okay, they do have a point there. He does tend to go completely off track if he’s not kept in check. Not that he’ll admit it, but they’re not wrong.

To his disappointment, they stand up, letting go of his hand as they do so. He stands with them, hovering like an anxious puppy. They give him a fond look, before heading into the small kitchen. Marius follows, leaning against the counter as they pull various ingredients out of the fridge. They’re probably making another Midgardian dish, from the looks of it. Marius doesn’t recognize the combination of food they have set out, which means it might be something new. 

“You know,” Lyf starts, and Marius has to suppress a groan, because that tone of voice never means good things. “I was thinking we could take a walk tonight. Take your mind off of things? Maybe head down to the docks for a bit?”

  
“They’re arriving tonight, aren’t they?” The face they make confirms his suspicions, and Marius lets his head fall forwards onto the counter, ignoring the slight spike of pain when he accidentally smacks his forehead on the edge.

  
“Yeah, I did the math. Either late tonight or early tomorrow morning.” Marius decides to ignore the fact that they apparently did math about this, because he’s not even surprised at this point. Instead, he debates the pros and cons of running away right then and there. Lyf has already proven surprisingly good at tracking him down, but he could probably hide if he tried hard enough. 

While he’s debating the merits of donning a disguise to throw them off, Lyf sets to making dinner. Despite always worrying about not having the right ingredients, or cooking utensils, they’ve yet to make something Marius didn’t love. (Then again, he was pretty sure anything that was well-cooked would be delicious to him, after so long spent getting used to… whatever the fuck Jonny decided he would be cooking that day. And suspicious tea from the Toy Solider. And probably poisoned food from Raphaella. Now that he thinks about it, Ivy was the only one of them that ever actually cooked normal food.)

“Was that a yes, by the way?” They prompt, and Marius glances up, frowning. 

“To the taking a walk thing. I won’t push you to go to the docks if you don’t want to.”

  
“Yes you will.”

  
“Yeah, I will. Still, though, a walk would be nice. The sky’s especially nice this time of year, since all three moons are usually out.” Marius regards them for a long moment, before he sighs, shrugging. 

“I feel like I don’t have a choice, but thank you for giving me the illusion of one, love. Yeah, sure, sounds good.” Lyf smiles brightly at him, and Marius decides that it’s actually worth it, just to see them grin. They offer him a bite of some sort of meat with spices, and he eagerly accepts it. (They have to fend him off while they cook the rest of dinner, because he keeps trying to steal more. In his defense, it’s really good.)

-

“You know, we don’t have to do this. We could still, like, run away.” Marius prompts, and Lyf snickers, shaking their head.

“Run away?” They glance over at him, and he nods emphatically, nervously wringing his hands as they walk the docks together, eying the various starships surrounding them.

“Yeah! We could uh- we could just go to another star system or something. No one would have to know we were gone, the other Mechs would never know! We’d just- just disappear. Poof.” He pantomimes a mini explosion, wiggling his fingers dramatically at them for extra effect. Lyf rolls their eyes fondly, elbowing him gently in the side.

“We’re not running away, Marius. I love you, but no. You’re not backing out of this; I will physically hold you down if I have to.” Marius gasps, over exaggerating his movements as he turns to face them, placing a hand over his heart.

“You wouldn’t dare! Lyfrassir Edda, threatening me? Little ol’ innocent me? How dare they!” Lyf laughs, the sound bright and clear, and it eases a bit of Marius’ anxiety. Not that there isn’t loads more where that came from, ready to replace it, but whatever. 

“You may be little, but you are definitely not innocent.” They retort, and Marius stumbles, a startled laugh escaping him.

“I- wait- hey! I’m not little, I am 5’5. That’s average height! Just because you’re like, ridiculously tall, doesn’t mean you get to mock me!” He crosses his arms at them, but they just chuckle, patting him on the shoulder.

“Keep telling yourself that, Marius. If it makes you feel better, keep telling yourself that.” Their tone is teasing, and Marius has to admit that, if they’re trying to distract him, it’s working pretty well. He actually forgets why they were there with him at the docks in the first place, till he rounds a corner and almost runs directly into a startled looking Brian. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >:3c  
> moonsickness - penelope scott  
> (as usual, i'm on tumblr @cisphobicivyalexandria!)


	9. lead me to the truth and i will follow you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marius must spot the crew before they do, because Lyf feels him go stiff at their side, stumbling slightly in his tracks as they round a corner. They glance over at him, and are about to say something, but Marius blinks, stepping away from them just in time to spare them from getting knocked over alongside him. They hear him yelp, startled, but it’s mostly smothered by the cheerful laugh of the wooden man that had barreled into him, voice clear and excited as it rambles on.
> 
> “That’s Toy Soldier. We tend to just call it TS for short, though,” Brian supplies helpfully, and Lyf nods, watching with a small smile as it helps Marius back to his feet, bouncing excitedly. They’re also pretty sure they hear it call Marius ‘old chap’, which isn’t exactly the nickname they’d assign to him in their head, but, whatever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a fun one to write

Lyf barely avoids running into Marius as he stops dead in his tracks. They’re about to ask him what’s wrong, when they notice the man in front of him. He’s tall, a few inches taller than them, with wavy brown hair pulled into a messy ponytail at the base of his neck. His coat looks slightly rumpled, as if he had slept in it recently, and Lyf recognizes the patch on the lapel.

They quickly run through their mental catalogue of the Mechanisms based on what Marius had told them, and settle on Brian. Mostly because he appears to be made completely out of metal, and that’s a pretty distinct feature.

Brian looks frozen in place, and they’re actually about to ask if he’s okay when he shifts, quietly reaching out a hand towards Marius’ shoulder. The smaller man flinches slightly, but doesn’t move away.

“Can I hug you?” Brian’s voice is quiet, almost reverent. Marius hesitates for a long moment, before nodding. Brian immediately pulls him into an embrace that looks almost tight enough to hurt. The two stay like that for a long moment, Marius holding tightly to Brian’s jacket as the taller man sways slightly in place. After a minute, though, Brian glances up, meeting their eyes. He pulls away from Marius, though he’s obviously reluctant.

“Ah, you must be Lyfrassir?” Lyf nods, smiling slightly at him.

“Just Lyf is fine. From what Marius has told me, you’re Brian, right?” Brian appears to light up a little at that, returning the smile.

“He talked about us?” Lyf nods, glancing down for a moment as Marius slips his hand into theirs. They squeeze it comfortingly, and Marius leans into them slightly in return. Brian watches the silent exchange with curious eyes, lips quirked in the beginnings of a smile.

“He did, yeah. A lot, actually.” Brian grins at Marius, who elbows Lyf in the side, though there’s no real annoyance behind the motion. There’s a beat, before Brian straightens, gesturing vaguely in the direction he’d come from.

“Oh! Everyone else is- they’re probably gonna want to see you, Marius.” Marius winces, mumbling a few words under his breath that Lyf doesn’t quite catch, though they’re sure it’s something self-deprecating. Brian starts towards where Lyf is assuming the rest of the crew is, but Marius wavers for a moment. Lyf sighs softly, turning to face him.

“Marius, look at me. You’ll be fine. They all want to see you, and I know you want to see them. It’s going to go just fine.” They pause. “By the way, am I allowed to punch one of your crewmates? Because I’ve been wanting to punch Raphaella in particular for the past decade.” Marius snickers, letting them tug him along as the two follow Brian.

“Yes, you can punch her. I can’t promise she won’t shoot you for it, but go ahead.” It’s worth it, Lyf decides. They’ve been shot over less; they can handle it.

Marius must spot the crew before they do, because Lyf feels him go stiff at their side, stumbling slightly in his tracks as they round a corner. They glance over at him, and are about to say something, but Marius blinks, stepping away from them just in time to spare them from getting knocked over alongside him. They hear him yelp, startled, but it’s mostly smothered by the cheerful laugh of the wooden man that had barreled into him, voice clear and excited as it rambles on.

“That’s Toy Soldier. We tend to just call it TS for short, though,” Brian supplies helpfully, and Lyf nods, watching with a small smile as it helps Marius back to his feet, bouncing excitedly. They’re also pretty sure they hear it call Marius ‘old chap’, which isn’t exactly the nickname they’d assign to him in their head, but, whatever.

“What the fuck, TS?” Oh, that’s Jonny. Lyf instinctively frowns, glancing over to where the mate’s voice is coming from. “Why the hell did you just take off like that-“ Jonny cuts himself off, presumably having spotted Marius. Lyf steps back, hanging in the shadows of a nearby building, choosing to watch the reunion passively.

Marius sidesteps TS, who trots over to stand next to Brian, the other man smiling at it as it chatters quietly to him about something or another. Lyf watches curiously as Jonny splits away from the rest of his crew, meeting Marius halfway. The two stand in front of each other for a long moment, apparently having some kind of silent conversation, before Jonny sighs.

“It’s good to see you again, Marius.” That’s the breaking point, apparently, because Marius makes a broken noise, yanking Jonny into a tight hug, which the mate returns with just as much force. The two exchange a few quiet words, too low for Lyf to hear, but when Marius pulls away again, his eyes are shimmering with tears. He quickly wipes them away, looking around for a moment. He finally spots Lyf, and gestures for them to come over.

Lyf pauses, hesitating, but Marius nods encouragingly, so they oblige, coming over to stand next to him. Jonny regards them with a cold eye, and they meet his gaze defiantly, unconsciously standing up a little straighter. After what feels like an eternity, Jonny breaks into a sharp smile, nodding at them.

“That means he likes you,” Marius prompts, and Lyf chuckles.

“Really? Because it felt more like I was being threatened.” They decide to ignore Jonny’s cheerful “you were!”, and let themselves be dragged into the middle of the small crew. Brian stays by their side, occasionally leaning down to provide them with names when they can’t place someone, which they’re grateful for.

To their relief, none of the other crew members feel the need to stare them down like Jonny did. Tim shoots them a grin, the dark metal plates of his eyes glinting in the light, and Ashes claps them on the shoulder, but they do their best to stay off to the side, essentially hiding behind Brian, who mercifully lets them. They can almost see the tension melt from Marius’ form as his crew surrounds him, none of them seeming particularly eager to leave his side. All except two of them, apparently.

Lyf is in the middle of watching Marius chat animatedly with Tim when someone grabs their arm, pulling them away. They yelp, spinning around as their captor releases them. Raphaella stands in front of them, wings tucked neatly behind her back. They can see Ivy hovering behind her, both of them wearing twin expressions of guilt. Raphaella makes a few aborted noises, before sighing.

“Lyfrassir, I’m sorry. It was- I was the one who kept us from going back for you. I believed you gone, and I didn’t think to consider that you could still be alive. I understand if you don’t care for my apology, but-“ They cut her off with a fist to the face, ignoring the whoop it gets them from Jonny nearby, and her head snaps to the side. She looks startled, eyes wide, but they yank her into a hug before she can continue.

“You’re an asshole, yes, but if I managed to get attached to _Marius_ , of all people, I’m sure I can find it in me to forgive you. Just- don’t do it again, alright?” Raphaella brings a hand up, cautiously skirting over her cheekbone where their knuckles had connected, and nods slowly. Her wings flutter slightly behind her, and they watch curiously as she starts to fold them around the two of them, before quickly folding them back into place, like she’d done it on instinct.

“I promise I will not leave you in any more eldritch explosions, Lyf.”

“Technically, there’s only a three-point-seven percent chance we’ll even run into one again, and a zero-point-two-nine chance that we’ll have to rescue Lyfrassir from it!” Ivy chimes in cheerfully, and Lyf laughs, stepping away from Raphaella, who lets them. Ivy’s smile softens for a second as they meet her eyes, and she nods at them.

“It’s good to see you again, Lyfrassir. And not only because you can actually control Marius sometimes.” That gets another laugh out of them, and an indignant “hey!” from Marius nearby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LISTEN LISTEN i had this whole angsty thing planned out but alas im a stupid little fruit and i can't bring myself to hurt any of the crew more than i have. so we get this instead <3
> 
> white blank page - mumford and sons


	10. it feels like home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 💞

“Come meet the ship,” Marius prompts, and Lyf glances up at him from where they sit cross legged on a shipping container, patiently letting a fascinated Raphaella study the way their skin shimmers slightly in the pale moonlight. They falter for a moment at his phrasing, before remembering what he’d told them about the ship, and that it was sentient.

Raphaella reluctantly releases them as they stand, promising they’ll let her look them over more thoroughly soon, which seems to placate her. Marius glances over at Jonny, who had adopted a slightly more serious look at the mention of Lyf meeting Aurora, protectiveness radiating off of him. They give what they hope is an encouraging smile, still slightly off-put by the mate’s quiet anger. It doesn’t seem directed towards them specifically, more towards the world in general, but it still seems dangerous, like an open flame.

They let Marius steer them towards where Aurora had apparently been docked, Jonny following them closely. Marius seems a bit hesitant, stopping just short of the ramp leading into the interior of the ship.

“She’ll- she’ll let me in, right?” Jonny snorts, shoving him forwards with a roll of his eyes.

“Of course she will, dumbass. She cares about you the same as the rest of us. C’mon.” Marius grumbles, but obliges, stepping over the threshold and into the ship. Lyf follows suit, stopping short just inside to marvel at Aurora’s inner walls, the shifting, subtle rainbow covering every surface.

_Hello hello hello!_ sings the ship as Lyf takes it in, cocking their head as they study the shifting patterns. They smile, placing a gentle hand on a nearby wall just to feel the ship hum happily beneath their hand.

“Hello!” They respond cheerfully, and Aurora falters for a moment, before the soft rumble comes back full force.

_You hear me?_ Truly _hear me?_ She sounds surprised, but excited, and they nod. The lights above flicker faintly, and Lyf swears the sound Aurora is making sounds similar to a purr, a low rumbling sound that they feel more than they hear.

_I am Aurora. You are the first one to understand me in many years_. She responds, and Lyf pauses, frowning. They can hear the loneliness in Aurora’s voice, and they smile sadly. They know the feeling all too well.

“I’m Lyf, it’s good to meet you, Aurora. Can the others not understand you, then?” Before Aurora can respond, Jonny answers for her, voice incredulous.

“No, we very much cannot. What the fuck, Lyfrassir? How the hell can you hear her?” They turn to face the mate, raising an eyebrow at his startled and confused expression. They shrug, making a face.

“I just do. It’s not- I’m not actively concentrating on listening, or anything. I hear her voice just as clear as you or Marius.” They tuck a stray strand of hair behind their ear, watching as Jonny seems to go through the five stages of grief in under 10 seconds. Eventually, he settles on confused resignation, sighing.

“You know what, this is all already so god damn weird, this might as well happen.” With that, he stalks back out, apparently satisfied that Lyf won’t do anything to damage the ship. Not that they’d been considering it in the first place, but still.

Lyf feels something brushing along their wrist, and glance down to see a small tendril of coiled wires apparently searching for something. They watch curiously at it pokes around for a moment longer, before retracting back into the small panel it had come from.

_You are not bio-mechanical, like Nastya was. How is it you can hear me, if you are not Cyberian? What are you?_ Lyf ponders that question for a long moment, before shrugging.

“I’m not anything, anymore. I’m not Midgardian, I’m not the Bifrost, none of that. I’m just… I’m just Lyf, I guess.” Aurora hums at that, colors blooming along her walls in time with the sound.

_That is as good an answer as any, I suppose. It is good to meet you, Lyfrassir. I hope you’ll stick around. Would you like a tour?_ Lyf smiles, nodding, and Aurora lights up cheerfully, walls alight with color as she leads them through the halls.

-

“Tonight’s the last night before we leave,” Tim starts, and Lyf looks up, setting their book aside. Tim’s gaze is intense, even more so than usual, and they tilt their head.

“Yeah, it is.” Tim rolls his eyes, leaning forwards slightly in his seat.

“That’s not- god you’re worse than Marius. Would you like to come with us, is what I’m saying” Lyf freezes, staring blankly at him for a moment. Had he… actually just offered that? Would they be willing to drop the life they’d built for themselves here to travel the stars with them? What would Jonny say about it? They must say the last bit out loud, because Tim sighs, running a hand through his hair, mussing it slightly.

“He wanted to ask you himself, but he can be rather intimidating sometimes. I figured it’d be a good idea to avoid making the offer sound like a bit of a death threat.” He was right, obviously. Jonny’s manic, angry energy hadn’t died down in the few days they’d been around him, though it had stopped being directed towards them as much.

“And… Marius?” They venture to ask, and Tim blinks, understanding flashing in his eyes.

“He wants you there. He’ll never say it to you outright, says he doesn’t want to pressure you, but he wants to stay with you. If it means you coming with him, or him staying with you, I’m pretty sure he’d be okay with either.” Lyf immediately sits up straighter at the thought of Marius staying behind with them, shaking their head. He’d spent so long separated from his crew, they didn’t want him to leave again. They _definitely_ didn’t want to _be_ the reason he left again.

They think for a long moment, weighing the pros and cons. They didn’t have much here, on this planet. They had photos, sure, and of course they had Sigyn, but those things were all easy to take with them. There were no family members, no close friends to tie them down here. The only thing they were attached to at the moment was Marius, and they were pretty sure they’d go wherever he led. They think it over for another long moment, before nodding.

“I- yeah, okay. If Jonny’s okay with it, I’ll come. I don’t want to leave Marius again, and he doesn’t deserve to be stuck here.” The grin Tim gives them is nothing short of wolfish, all canines and sharp, predatory glee. They don’t find themselves scared at all, though. Instead, they find themselves grinning right back, not faltering as Tim claps them on the back. Tim laughs, standing.

“Welcome to the crew, Lyf. Good to have you.” Lyf nods, standing as well, walking over to the nearby window. They stare up at the sky above for a long moment, studying the stars in the sky, and decide that traveling with a crew can’t be any worse than it was traveling alone. This time, they’ll have someone they love, and friends there to talk to.

There’s no one else they’d rather get lost in the cosmos with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (lost in the cosmos - romantica)  
> aa fuck okay!! this is the first fic i've ever actually finished!!! tysm to everyone who commented, or left kudos, you're all v poggers. i could be super sappy or something but i just woke up so i'm just gonna say ty!!!! this was a really fun fic to write, n yall motivated me to keep goin :3!! ty!!
> 
> (as always, im on tumblr @cisphobicivyalexandria)
> 
> ((oh yeah!!! im gonna be taking about a week's break from writing now that this is posted, then i'll be back w an au i've been working on for a while!! :3c )

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on tumblr @cisphobicivyalexandria !


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